Father Loves Best

Since stepping away from my role as CrossPoint's pastor in September, I have entered a season I'm acknowledging as "The Weaning Pen." Like a calf being held in a pen away from the source it always looked to for provision, I'm experiencing an intensive time of realizing the things I have looked to besides Father to fill me and provide for me...emotionally, physically, and financially.  I assure you it's no fun going through what it takes for some of these things to be brought to the surface, but I'm grateful because I see Father's heart for me in it.  And I see what's on the other side...true Life.

If I was looking to my position as a pastor in this community to feel good about myself, it is gone.  I sell truck accessories, something I know little about. I've never even owned a truck!

If I was looking to my ability to come through for people, it is gone.  I have let people down.

If I was looking to the credibility I had in the community because of the ministry, that went away.

If I was looking to my ability to be seen by my family as a good provider, that's gone.  I am dependent upon God working through others.

I've also realized, even more, the extent that I've idolized Michelle, depending on her approval and affection to feel fulfilled.

The other day, as I was driving to see a counselor/friend in Roswell, I said to God, "Father, I am so tired of struggling to find my place in Your story, wondering if I will ever be what you created me to be and do what you created me to do.  I'm so tired of trying to 'arrive'."

What I heard Him say was this: "You'll not find what you're looking for until you want Me more than you want to find your place or to 'arrive.'"

I said, "Ok, Father. I hear that.  But how do I want You more?" knowing that wasn't something I could just conjure up.

He said, "The only thing you can do is to lay down the desire that is being placed higher than your desire for Me."

I told Him that I was sorry, that I would lay that down, and it's something I know I'll have to do over and over again.

One of the things I realized clearly this morning was that I had become attached to my ministry.  I had come to look at how the ministry was going as an indicator of whether or not I could feel happy with myself.  And I had come attached to the people. People feeling good about me, how I was doing, and where I was leading them had become an idol.   I stepped away because I had lost confidence in my ability to hear Father's voice over the voices of others.  I fully realize now that the reason I couldn't hear His voice is because I was I had begun idolizing the voices of others over His.  And I was more concerned with whether or not I was worthy of approval than I was with the needs of the people I was ministering to.  It was the exact opposite of the message I had been preaching for years: "Our value is based on how Father sees us IN CHRIST, not on our performance."   I regret the ways I didn't live out what I was preaching, but His not finished with me yet! 

Michelle and I have been enjoying worshipping with Louie Giglio and Passion City Church in Atlanta from time to time. This morning, we watched a message we missed a few weeks back.  It's a message that I want everyone I love to hear.  It's a message I long to preach again, but more than that, one I want, and need, to walk in more fully. Father has brought about this season for me because He loves me.  He wanted me to go deeper. He didn't want me to go on experiencing any less than all He made available to me through the cross of Christ. He wants to free me from all concerns about myself.  The verdict is in.  I am crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me!  The verdict is in on you as well.

 I hope you'll sit, alone or with those you love, and enjoy this message (http://www.passioncitychurch.com/watch/#20091025). It feels good to be thinking of you this morning and to be experiencing Father's heart, my new and true heart, for you His beloved children and my brothers and sisters in Christ.

May you know that you are loved and truly blessed today,
Tim